Is it Good to Be Nice—or Will it Just Get you Run Over?

Did you ever think that being nice was getting you nowhere? Are nice people effective in the workplace or are they too high maintenance?

Should you be a really nice, accommodating, win-win person in the workplace? In the long run will that hurt you or help you? If the people around you consider you to be a direct descendent of Attila the Hun, should you just go with that image or should you try to change yourself?

Dale Carnegie believed that everyone should be nice and accommodating. Will that work today?

Fifty years ago Dale Carnegie taught that getting ahead in business and in life depended on knowing how to be nice and built his career on that foundation.

Are Self-help Books Really Helpful?

Most of us have read self-help books with their promise of better relationships, success and achievement. Some of you swear by them and some of your swear at them. Some of you believe that the quest for self-improvement is one of the most important aspects of life. Others of you tend to believe that making personal changes from what we learn in a book violates the principle of being who we are.

Well, if you don’t learn how to make your way through the world interpersonally from people who excel at that . . .what can I say? You were raised by wolves! You’ll end up alone in an apartment with nine cats as companions wondering why nobody calls or writes.

What’s really interesting, though, is how interpersonal relationships have changed during the decades since Dale Carnegie, and how people expect to treat and be treated today. How people related to each other 50 years ago doesn’t necessarily work today.

Teams and Empowerment?—Now Why Would Anyone believe in that?!

Dale Carnegie was the father of the self-help movement. He was the forerunner of the later proponents of teams and empowerment in organizations. He came to prominence in the mid-twentieth century, a time when American society began to value the people who had smoothed the rough frontier edges from their personalities. As our industrial base moved from a rural-small-business base to large corporations, organizations began to look for people who could express themselves well and form strong relationships.

The Original “Charm School”—Teaching People to Relate to Others—Don’t Argue, Just Go Along

You may never have read Carnegie’s famous book, but you’ve heard the title, How to Win Friends and Influence People. It was written in 1936 and spawned pricey seminars where people learned to speak, get over their shyness, and remember names. It was the Gold Standard of communication and interpersonal relationship training until the mid-1960s, although it is still popular today in some circles.

If you’re familiar with the four-quadrant personality model—Thinker, Director, Relater, and Socializer—created by Dr. Tony Alessandra, you will recognize that Dale Carnegie would have seen the Relater and Socializer as the people to carry the banner of business and organization. In Carnegie’s chapter, “Win People to Your Way of Thinking,” his firm dictum is, “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it,” a questionable piece of advice in the workplace today.

If Your Name is Difficult to Spell and Pronounce, Then for Goodness Sake Change it—That’s Why Carnegie Changed His!

So important was it to Carnegie to avoid a fight that his daughter, Donna Dale Carnegie, Chairman of the Board, Dale Carnegie Training®, says it led him to change the spelling of the family name from Carnagey to Carnegie. “People in New York kept spelling and pronouncing it that way. Who was I to correct them?” said Carnegie. The name change worked out fabulously for Carnegie in creating one of the most powerful training movements of the 1950s, yet today’s leaders are valued more for their ability to engage conflict—but to do so appropriately and strategically. It’s difficult to imagine a truly conflict-averse person leading a team or an organization through the kind of gut-wrenching change we are called to embrace today.

Jack Speer, an earlier follower of Dale Carnegie, spent more than a decade trying to apply Carnegie “be nice” principles.

Try this for a Week—Don’t Tell Anyone at Home or at Work That They’re Wrong—You’ll Love the Pattern of the Tire Tracks on Your Back!

In his chapter, “Win People to Your Way of Thinking”, Carnegie says, “Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, ‘You're wrong.’” Following this principle would be a real showstopper for executives trying to save their organizations from impending disaster and misguided strategy.

The world of Dale Carnegie was a world where, above all, it was important to be liked. In his chapter, “Six Ways to Make People Like You,” Carnegie lays down that you have to be interested in other people, smile, remember their names, be a good listener and encourage people to talk about themselves. You must talk in terms of the other person’s interests and make the other person feel important. If you do those things, they will like you.

Being Nice Today—Will it Work?

So what about Dale Carnegie today? I love the basic principles of Dale Carnegie teachings and wish they worked everywhere, and they would!—if this were Mayberry and the Sheriff were Andy Griffith. Actually, Dale Carnegie’s principles are a good place to begin. They teach us some basic mechanics of how to get along—something that doesn’t come naturally to all of us.

We all know, however, that in the world in which we live, sometimes just smiling at someone may get your face ripped off. If we always just sit there and listen patiently, our ideas will never be heard. If we always aggressively encourage people to talk about themselves, no other topic will ever come up.

And here’s another painful truth. People are often interesting, but many are colossal boors and a waste of time. Remembering names can be vital, but there are some people that you want to see fade from memory as soon as possible.

You Sometimes Have to “Ruffle Feathers” in Order to Get Something Done, and the Most Effective People are Not Always the Best Liked

People today who followed Dale Carnegie the way they did fifty years ago would probably be seen as “weak” or “needy.” There are many other interpersonal styles in the workplace. Some lead with an aggressive interpersonal style just to put people on the defensive and to notice that they’re tough. A person who is seen as always being “nice,” Carnegie-style, may be immediately discounted as not being a “player.”

Define Your Own Personal Value System—That Guides Your Interpersonal Relationship Style

An effective teambuilding session can serve to clarify team and personal values.

In charting your own personal course for interpersonal relations, the place to start is to understand your own value system when it comes to other people and groups. Bear in mind that when you come into a new organization or team, you bring a lot of assumptions about what the prevailing value system is. It’s wise to be careful about what you do and say early on until you understand the norms and behaviors of the group.

The principle of “win-win” is one of the highest principles. It’s a part of our philosophy, religion, and civilized action. It‘s the principle we should all strive for. Having said that, the world is as dangerous a place interpersonally as it has ever been—probably more so now even than the past. Being open, honest, transparent, and vulnerable in an environment of trust is the best way for organizations to achieve goals. Getting to that point requires leadership and a great deal of work.

Elwood P. Dowd, the Central figure in Jimmy Stewart’s 1950 movie Harvey had a six-foot rabbit for a friend. According to Elwood, in this world you have to be “very smart or very nice.”

Winning Friends and Influencing People Depends a Great Deal on Your Role, the Situation, and the Mission

“Winning friends and influencing people” in 2004—is it as important as in the days of Dale Carnegie? Yes, relating to people effectively is crucial in getting things done in organizations. Studies continue to show that careers are derailed because managers can’t show caring and empathy. Managers excel who have the ability to ask questions, to empower their employees, and to not run roughshod over people.

How we relate to people is enormously influenced by our role, the situation, and the mission, who we are cooperative with, who is the competition. It’s obvious that where you sit in the organization influences your interpersonal relationship style. A frontline manager of a call center will relate to people in a very different way from a person managing the security function in an organization in a post 9/11 environment. Trying to please a retail customer is a very different proposition from dealing with an attorney whose style is to intimidate and to disarm you.

How Can We Respond to Those Who Don’t Believe in Mr./Ms. Nice Guy

In the old movie, Harvey, where Elwood P. Dowd (Jimmy Stewart) has a big white rabbit (which only he can see), Elwood says, “I’ve found in life you have to be very smart or very nice.” Today that’s also true, but one key is to know when to be smart and when to be nice. Dale Carnegie tells us always, but that clearly won’t always work. The real key is to know who you’re dealing with.

Some people consider a friendly, collaborative attitude on your part to be an opportunity to get what they want through active or passive aggression. It’s sadly true that they may consider your willingness to compromise, to try to make them successful by working on their behalf to be a sign of weakness that helps them get what they want. They have been successful over a long period of time through meeting friendly good will with feet planted firmly in a self-serving position. They will assume that you, being friendly, are conflict averse, and will quickly give in. In these cases following a win-win strategy is unlikely to achieve success. You must stand firm.