Andy Rooney, of 60 Minutes Fame, is almost as good in print as he is on television. He always says what we’ve always thought, and says it in a clever way. He’s funny in an irritating sort of way even when you don’t agree with him. Go out and buy a good Andy Rooney book today.

Andy Rooney On Ads Stuck In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in
there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to
get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where.

Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.